Stay Strong
by Darkangel81
Summary: Short, disordered insight into Logan's thoughts during RED- complete.


DISCLAIMER: The characters are all owned by James Cameron and his folks. I just do this for fun.  
  
NOTE: this is not gonna be an actual story witha plot or anything, just some random thoughts. Takes place during Red, when Bruno shows up again.  
  
STAY STRONG  
  
When Max entered with Bruno Anselmo Logan was taken aback. He fought hard to stay in control. He couldn't let Max or that guy see how much the meeting disturbed him. He felt like throwing up the moment Bruno brushed his thigh when falling backwards into the chair. He couldn't feel it, but he had seen the other guy's hand coming in touch with his thigh. It made him shiver.  
  
'God, how am I supposed to get through this?' Logan had always figured that guy was dead. And as much as he hated himself for those thoughts, he drew comfort from that fact. He had been sure he would never have to face the guy, who did this to him ever again. He had paid for what he had done to Logan.  
  
But now, all of the sudden, this belief was shattered, destroyed, the guy lived, also due to what Logan had done to help, and he seemed a lot better off than Logan was.  
  
God, how much he hated that face. He tried to concentrate on the topic at hand, on Max, he had to focus on something else, or he would never make it through th next few minutes without giving away his true feelings. He had to stay strong.  
  
Max openly showed her disgust, and it was tempting to just agree and let her kill him.Like Bruno had tried that day. The guy had no conciousness, he would have killed him, and never given it a second thought. There was no honest regret in his eyes when he told Logan now that it had not been personal. There was only fear for his own life, and arrogance.   
  
He knew Logan needed him, he knew nothing would happen to him as long as he was in the hands of Logan's people, and he seemed to enjoy that knowledge.  
  
And if it wasn't enough, he had to defend that jerk against a stubborn killing machine- that was nearly more than he could stand. But he had to appear indifferent. He couldn't allow Max to see how much he hurt, he had always pretended to be strong in front of her, that the paralyses didn't make much of a difference to him, that he was still the man he used to be. That he was strong.  
  
When he was alone he often stared at the mirror, and looked at a guy he didn't recognize, didn't want to recognize. He felt like there was nothing left of the guy he used to be but the shell- and not even that looked the same. He was caught in a steel trap- probably for the rest of his life.   
  
Why could people even begin to assume he was dealing??? But apparently he put on a damn good act, because people did- Max did. And that was fine with him. He didn't want her to know, didn't want her to feel guilty for what had happened to him. For her sake he had to stay strong.  
  
He was ashamed to admit that there had been a time during rehab when he had hated her for not helping. It had been a short period, and the thoughts only surfaced when he was having an extremely frustrating experience. But they had still been there.  
  
He was gald that he was over that, he would never blame Max now. Bruno Anselmo was to be blamed- and himself, for having been that arrogant and carefree, assuming he could act as a hero and triumph over evil. He had learnt that evil was stronger, it had been a painful lesson, one that nearly broke his spirit. But despite that knowledge he had decided to go on with his fight against evil, hoping and praying he could make a small difference. And just when he thought he was making progress, fate launched at him and presented Bruno, a perfect sign for the endurance of evil.  
  
He couldn't quite explain why he suddenly felt the urge to watch that tape again. He hadn't done it so far, he had gotten in from some guy who needed the money, but he had locked it away- until now.  
  
With trembling hands he got hold of the remote and pushed the play button. There were cars crashing in the middle of a street, then doors opened, there were shots and Peter fell to the ground, lifelessly.   
  
A woman ran from the car and then another door opened and a guy, holding a kid to his chest protectively jumped out, shooting from a small handgun. The guy tried to run for dear life, but all of the sudden crumpled to the ground. A shiver went through Logan's upper body. He could imagine the pain that guy must have felt, the sudden, searing, all consuming pain that shot through the entire body, leaving the victim utterly helpless. He could feel the guy fighting the darkness that threatened to overtake him. He made a fist, trying to hold on to the little screaming girl in his arms. Logan could feel the panic that engulfed that guy, when she was taken from him, with her his will to live left him, too. The darkness closed in and finally claimed him, mercifully engulfing the pain as well.  
  
He had to watch it again and again, he couldn't take his eyes away from the guy. He soon lost count on how often he had watched it, but with every time he did, he came closer to that guy, lying helplessly in the street.   
  
When Bling interrupted him, he remembered the events clearly. He knew it was him, it still seemed like it was someone else, but it was defininetly him- and Bruno was the shooter.  
  
When Bling tried to make him see what he was doing there, he felt hate welling up. But he also could see more clearly than ever before. From his recent meeting with Bruno he had learnt that trying to find comfort through a personal revenge, he couldn't make a difference. Nothing would change. Somebody else would use Bruno's weapon the next time, and he would still be stuck in a wheelchair, fighting to survive every single day somehow. He would still fight to stay strong.  
  
His resolve to make those responsible pay grew even stronger, and in order to achieve that, he had to focus on the task, had to forget about his own missery.   
  
That was the only way Logan could deal with his life, concentrate on something else but his own reality. He didn't dare to let go, if only for one second and see what he had become. He had to focus on more important things. His life was worth nothing anyway, so why bother with it?  
  
But Bling had been right, he had bottled those things up so often by now, that there was not much space left in that bottle. In a lucid moment he realized he had to deal with his situation any time soon. But that realization lasted for only a second. He pushed those thoughts back in the darkest corner of his mind.   
  
He was too afraid of the consequences he would have to face when letting go. He rather stayed in control, even if it destroyed him.he rather pretended to be strong.  
  
And Max? God, she would think even less of him if he turned into a weeping, self-pitying pain in the ass. If he wanted her to stay he had to pretend he was strong. He didn't see that this was justwhat was keeping them apart, didn't want to see it.  
  
Max had showed him her weakness, she had voluntarily confronted him with her seizures. Why couldn't he make himself believe that she would accept his weaknesses? Because she was a wonder woman who could get rid of her weakness with a simple input of some pills. There was nothing like that for him to swallow, wait a few minutes and then stand up. Nothing could take away his weaknesses. They were an ever-present reminder of his failures.  
  
He would have to stay strong, for his sake and for Max. He just didn't know how to do that. The wall was crumpling, and Bruno Anselmo had helped to speed up that process a lot.  
  
Nobody had to tell him to be afraid, he was already there.  
  
THE END  
  
Ok, I know this was pretty confusing, I wrote that while watching "Red", without giving it a second thought. Tell me what you think anyway, please! 


End file.
